On the verge of self deception
I had almost done it. Almost managed to convince myself that it was ok, that things would change, that life would suddenly improve. How dangerous is that. Well, chick, bite the reality: It’s not happening anytime soon.
My job still sucks. Harare still has high demands on my nerves and my purse and I can only get $20,000 at the bank.
And I think MM has deserted me. Three months and not even a phone call. I need so much to hear his voice, to have him assure me that everything will be ok, that I will wake up one morning and the bank queues will be gone and bread will be back.
But for now I won’t deceive myself. I know I will wake up tomorrow and I’ll be lucky if the Kombi to work is still Z$3,000.00. I know I will wake up tomorrow and the Herald won’t say: “Inflation Down to Single Figure Digits”.
I was just reading my post about Waking up to Harare and smiled at the part where I wrote that the money I had wouldn’t last a week. It didn’t- but I’m still here aren’t I?
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Cute! I love the honesty with oneself that this post implies. We need more of that up the power rung in Zim!. I hope they share what truth they find!
To hope is not necessarily to deceive oneself. To be optimistic is not necessarily to be naive. Granted it might be a wee bit naive to think that 8 year travails will end with one day of signatures by politicians. Yes, to think that in the wink of an eye, wounds will heal is to verge on self deception…
We’ve been battered, our heads are bloody, our pockets virtually empty but tomorrow, as good old Stevie Wonder said, robbins will sing- or whatever Zim bird you fancy…It will not be easy, for a people who have suffered as much as we have and have held our peace where others would have taken to the streets and torn each other to pieces, to wave a magic wand and live happily ever after, just like that. Life is not M-web, after all…
But then on the other hand to be honest about all this, to realise that the road is as hard as it has been long, is not necessarily to succumb to despair. Our answers do not necessarily have to come in one fell swoop, for the knots that has been tied for so long will take a little while t unravel- but unravel they eventually will.
In the end what boil festers forever without bursting and without the wound eventually healing? Just remember that simply because we have suffered so much, prayed so hard for surcease, we will be answered when we want to be answered, which is NOW, or YESTERDAY…but in the end we will be
answered.
And yes, the key lies in the fact that you are still here, we are all still here…Who knows, perhaps out of the blue MM will call you, and for those who are waiting for their own calls to come, they will…or it will a totally different new call, ushering in a new dawn, a new joy…
As long as we are still here…be positive…in the end the darkest days breaks into the brightest of days…
Oops. didn’t mean to post the same response twice. The other thing I wanted to share with you are two inspirational poems, which were at the back of my mind as I wrote that response; poems which have had a huge impact on my life and the lives of students who went through hands in my yesteryear days as a high school teacher, which I hope will have same impact on you too:
O me, O life of the questions these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless
Of the cities filled with the foolish,
What good amidst these, O me, O life?
The answer:
That you are here; that life exists, and identity,
That the powerful play goes on
And YOU may contribute a verse
(Walt Whitman)
Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever Gods may be
For my unconquerable soul
In the fell clutch of circumstances
I have not winced or cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shackle
And yet the menace of the years
Find and shall find me unafraid
It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishment the scroll
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul
(Ernest Henley, “My heady is bloody, but unbowed”
This is an amazing post, very honest and funny in an intimate and endearing way. Well what can I say…I hope your MM gives you a call!!!!
You want to know what I think- MM is an idiot. Forget him and move on with your life. You seem like a pretty decent babe. The ocean is big girl. Very very big.
Well Born Free, now that I know what you think, if you have ever loved someone you know it’s not that easy to see them as an “idiot” even if they mess you around.
Rmupfudza, I love that poem:
“O me, O life of the questions these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless
Of the cities filled with the foolish,
What good amidst these, O me, O life?”
Beautiful stuff.
And Brian, yes, I am hoping the same thing- every single day