Know any happy marriages?

October 22, 2008 by Virtugirl Africa ·
Filed under: Family, Friendship, Community, Relationships

Good day Zimbos

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine the other day about marriages. She was just remarking how so totally unhappy a lot of marriages are.

There’s a couple she shares a flat with who have been fighting almost every day for the last few months. Apparently it all started when the man was called up by an old female friend of his who was in town. He went out for lunch with her and then quite casually told his wife about it.

She erupted into an angry outburst about, ho nhai, inini you don’t take me out to lunch but your old girlfriends get special treatment. Apparently there were other “issues” besides the lunch date that had been simmering under the lid, cause all of a sudden a lot other things started pouring out.

The guy obviously defended himself and in the end it got nasty, with things like “well, if you took care of your looks a bit more, maybe I’d take you out every so often!”

Anyway, now they just fight over everything.

I grew up in a happy marriage. My parents were so obviously in love and that’s the picture I have in my head when I think of marriage. I have seen some nasty things happen between couples but I always thought that those were the exception rather than the norm.

My friend thinks different. She reckons 80% of marriages are unhappy. Her parents divorced when she was a teenager. Her married friends are always bitching about their husbands. Her flat mates are no help either. She even goes as far as to say that a lot of marriages that SEEM happy are NOT. “People are good at acting,” is her take on the whole thing.

What’s your experience of marriage?
Do you think that most marriages are unhappy?
What is the cause of unhappy marriages?

Tell the world:

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Tags: [couples, family, happy marriages, husband, marriage, unhappy marriages, wife]

Comments

4 Responses to “Know any happy marriages?”

Brian Gondo on October 22nd, 2008 10:59 am

To answer the question posed by your title; yes I know of many happy marriages/ couples. I’m not sure there is a single common denominator to having a happy marriage but I think among many factors/ ingredients that provide a happy marriage are the following:

1. Assumptions & Expectations: If you go into a relationship/marriage like a soldier going to battle (the Qinisela attitude) then indeed everything becomes an act of aggression and your are irritable, defensive and reactive.
2. Appreciate & Celebrate that you are different. Most people try to change the other person, but that doesn’t make sense- you fell in love with them as they are. Of course people change and grow, that’s natural, that’s healthy. But appreciate their uniqueness even the warts someone has makes them unique, beautiful and special. If you wanted to marry someone like you then marry your clone.
3. Be Magnanimous and Generous: If you want to receive emails send some. The same applies with love. If you want to receive some then give it. Be generous with yourself, time, resources etc. Marriage is not a power struggle or political game.
4. Don’t balance Books: Love, relationships marriage I reckon are not about keeping score. Remembering grudges, favours etc. Give out of the fullness of your heart, without the expectation of recompense. Take joy when your partner does something for you. Say ‘Thank You’ for that little/ sweet things they do.
5. It’s not Work: I know some people say marriage takes a lot of work but I disagree. For me work is want you have to do but don’t enjoy doing it. It’s labour intensive, strenuous and stressful. Your relationship should be the opposite. You should look forward to seeing/ being with your partner. An appointment with them shouldn’t be like D’day.

I’m sure there are many other things that contribute to a happy and fulfilling marriage. I know I’m a bit idealistic and at times I fall short of my ideals but this is just my 2 cents worth.
fungaijames on October 22nd, 2008 1:06 pm

“The Qinisela attitude” How funny. Yes, there are many happy marriages, but the negatives always make the headlines so they seem to paint everything with a colour of unhappiness.

Good honest fights that attack the issues and not the loved one are part of a happy marriage and I think that your friends’ flat mates may need some of this.
Tinei on October 22nd, 2008 8:49 pm

True as Brian points out there, there are PLENTY of happy marriages. What you see is what you get. He who sees the world as full of unhappy and miserable marriages is more than likely to get into one and the opposite is true. To believe all men are dogs elevates your chances of getting the dog, and to believe all women are [that word] will elevate your chances of getting that kind of a woman. I believe that wrong expectations are the biggest cause of dispute in any set up. Bon chance!
Rukh on October 24th, 2008 10:02 am

“All women are [that word]” hahahaha, what a funny way to put it!