SOS! My son is queer!

May 29, 2009 by imakando musho ·
Filed under: Health & Well Being, I was just thinking, Relationships

At first sight, John looks like an ordinary young man who has got all the vibe he needs together with style to get him wherever and whatever he wants, relationships and all. Its only after hearing his sad story which he doesn’t tell everyone that you realise the deep cutting pain that he suffers inside John has cut down on his friendships, is sexually promiscuous, works out strenuously in the gym and drinks heavily. All this is to hide him form the truth and though he realises how dangerous this is , it is the only weapon that he has against reality- the fact that he is gay.

We came into contact after he had read one of the inspirational emails that I send to friends worldwide and he decide to email me back and share with me his pain.

As we correspond, I can sense some resentment in his tone which I really cannot place but when we finally meet, the volcanic hate, resentment and hate that he had been harbouring for long finally erupts. ‘I am what I am today because I grew up in a single parent home. I hate my mum and my dad. How could dad leave me to turn out like this? How could my mum not see what her possessiveness was turning me into? How could she make me pay for the pain caused by other man like this?’

But with as many marriages ending in mid space either through divorce or death and close to forty percent children being born out of wedlock, Does that mean each and every child raised in opposite sex single parented homes is Gay?

Who Is To Blame?

Steve Correy, Ph.D, clinical psychologist, says the most common case of people with altered sexual orientations were raised by an opposite sex single parent. ‘Those children tend to have little or no same sex role models to guide them on the values and behaviours of their particular sex thus a boy may grow to think that effeminate bahaviour and lipstick are as natural to them as they are to the females around them. This doesn’t just end there; it goes further to embed itself into their feelings hence they turn gay.’

John’s story concurs. ‘I remember one day when my mum walked into the house happily wrapped around one of her boyfriend’s arms and the natural thing that came to my mind was that one day a man will hold me and I shall have fun like mother.’ It was only in his teenage years that he realised how wrong he was. Unfortunatley, such a mindset had already been deeply embeded into his mind.

A child with a same sex parental figure tends to copy and model their values, attitudes and behaviours and that will determine how they will grow as individuals and helps them identify with their particular sex, says Pauline H. Turner author; Parenting in contemporary society. She adds that an opposite sex parent may have been hurt and end up giving negative messages to their child which may sound like, ‘That is just like any brainless man I know.’ or ‘men are dogs.’. Children want to become the best citizens and will therefore choose what kind of person they want to be to become that better citizen depending on the way the world has been portrayed to them by their Parents.

Garikai* an openly gay man tells of how his mother used to dress down men to the extent of carelessly telling him once that she wished he was a girl. ‘Slowly, I subconsciously decided that men were bad people whose evilness can only be enjoyed in bed. I wanted to be a woman because that would make into ‘a better citizen’. Thats how I ended up here.

Nevertheless, there are a lot of children who are raised in opposite-sex-single-parented homes and most turn out straight. How is that so?

Dr. Correy says it usually takes place in homes were the mothers are overbearing. This is not limited to single parent homes only but normal household settings with a dominant mother and a weak father. Mothers who don’t give that opposite sex children space may have been hurt and they swear that their children will never turn out like any other guy. Although this is meant for good it usually reaps all the bad results. Dr. Correy is however quick to point out that sometimes this overbearing may not be exactly open. ‘Resentment towards the opposite sex may be in the subconscious but if we consider psychologists’ findings, we realise the impact that our minds can have on children even if there were no words said.

THREE days after John and I meet up, I meet up with his mother. Tina is a successful, independent woman who has a deep pained look in her eyes. Apparently, the pain is too much for her to bear and as soon as we sit down, she breaks down.Its every parent’s dream said or unsaid that their child turn out straight and all these years I have tried to be a good mother, believe you me, I have. And how painful it is to be told by that same child that you were not. Why does it have to be me? Why not blame it on himself or his ‘good for nothing’ father who left him as a child?’

Ben Mwendamberi, M.D., a Harare based clinical Psychologist says there are a lot of reasons why a child may turn out queer. ‘Scientists are battling to find out what really causes this condition and it wouldn’t be fair to blame it on a parent. It can be a biological innate factor deeply embedded in genes. Sodomy may also play apart as tribal rituals like those of the native aboriginal Australians who encourage their boys to participate in active homosexuality until the age of sixteen. I may be hard for that child to later adapt to heterosexuality.

Could they be born that way?

Archford another young gay man tell of how he grew up in a normal setting with a lot of role model yet he did not turn out straight. ‘My childhood was pretty normal, no sodomy, little influence from the female[mother was barely at home]. Every time we went for sport, I just felt different until I realised I was one of the ‘other people’. I have therefore concluded that i was born that way.’

Archford’s story is little backed by a Harvard university research of 1990. Gay and straight men were injected with oestrogen and their systems checked after some time. Results for the homosexual males showed that they were some where near heterosexual males and heterosexual females which led to the researchers concluding that homosexual males differ from heterosexual males in some innate biological factor yet to be discovered.

Ben Mwendamberi is however cautious of this assertion. ‘This research was inconclusive and up to now, scientists haven’t discovered what causes this condition which makes it dangerous to overlook the other reasons believed to alter sexual orientation. I don’t deny that gay people were born that way neither do I accept that they were. What I believe is that we should put them all together and see which one works for each parent to avoid their children turning out queer.’

Whats an opposite-sex parent’s guide?

Best selling Family matters author, James Dobson says that children should be taught gender role plays. That way we reduce the chances of our children identifying with the opposite sex. Find a relative with same sex children and arrange sleepovers and weekends for them. However it should not only be exclusively male friends as this will have implications with their relationships with the opposite sex and this will compromise whatever we would have wanted to achieve.
Find same sex role models for your child says Rachael Mushonga author of Becoming The Mother God Intends You To Be. Allow them to go on male bonding drives, soccer games. If their same sex parent is around, then its an added advantage.
Joyce Meyer, author and renowned spiritual leader warns us about the power of the mind. ‘When we think, we send out telepaths to our children and therefore if we take the wrong stances our children are likely to take such stances as well.’ She also adds that our words are creating tools and we should mind what we say to our children. However positive thinking and speaking only come after forgiveness.

Prayer is the wrapping of all things. There are some things that we can’t do in the physical that only prayer can do for us in the spiritual. Let prayer penetrate your child’s deepest parts and God will help you- Tom Deuschle, author Surgical Prayer and renowned spiritual leader.

But They Already Are!

In the weeks that followed as I correspond with John and Tina, I encouraged them to go for counselling where they were told not to hide from things as they were never going to go away that way. John tried to reach out to his father who wanted nothing to do with him yet he has forgiven him. Tina has also forgiven all the men that cause dher pain and she has officially reentered the dating world.

Today six months after meeting these amazing people, they are different. John has discovered that he is not entirely gay as he thought he was but that he is rather bisexual and he has chosen to lean on the straight side. Today he is in a steady relationship-wait for it- with a wonderful girl who understands and loves him as he is.

* Some names have been changed to protect individuals’ privacy.

By Imakando Musho.

Tell the world: