You got a car? You are the celebrity!

December 10, 2009 by imakando musho ·
Filed under: Family, Friendship, Community, Joking around, Topical issues

My closest college buddy brings his car to school. Of course, to the average first world middle class citizen, this is a norm, with kids form this group even driving Mercedes Benz and BMWs even to high school. However to the average African who still believes owning a car is a sing of wealth, bringing one to school makes you fit to eat with the gods and makes you nothing less than an arch-angel.

Its funny how people will literally lick my friend’s ass just to be with him; boys and girls alike. Not that I am worried he gets all the attention; being in his shadow gets me a few licks as well. Take this example; there is this girl who goes out of her way to please the the guy, bringing him food (Get a life bitch. If he can afford to bring a car to school, he sure can afford his own food). She goes out of her way finding silly excuses to get stuck with the guy in the car in the middle of the night. So when her antics failed to do the trick, she turned to me thinking since we are buddies, I can convince him how blah-blah she is and he would change his mind about her. Although I haven’t done anything to date, I still get spoilt to one or two.

Having a car at African colleges makes you noticeable. Ironically, when my friend and I were talking about me writing this article, we both confessed how we had never noticed a certain kid until he brought a car this quarter. I for one, now know his name, what his parents do for a living and how many girl friends he has and has had. He is a celebrity now. Another friend aptly put it across, ‘Africans love the smell of diesel’. Yep I am African too and do love… It’s petrol for me, thank you.

So where does this culture stem from? Until recently, Africa’s middle class was constituted by secretaries, teachers, doctors, insurance brokers who mainly worked for the government. Considering how poorly governments pay, they were as good as poor only affording to buy a matchbox house and a decent car if any through government loans which because of rampant corruption have now completely disappeared.

As the revolution started and the middle class became constituted of bankers and managers as well as eneterprenuers(ma indegenous), affording a car for yourself as well as your spouse became a sign of how rich you were. Now as the revolution rages on with the middle class being divided into two-the lower and the upper middle classes, affording a car for your child as well became the status giver. And it doesn’t end there; it also gives the child status as well.

A couple and friends and I sat down to deliberate how we can ratify this problem in African colleges and we came up with our own thesis in Martin Luther style, only that this time its only a 5 point thesis. Believe you me, we are ready to start a revolution although we still cant quantify a better alternative to the church at Wuttenberg. Maybe this blog can be the Wuttenberg for now

The points are:

Cars are not representative of wealth- Read Robert Kiyosaki’s Rich Dad-Poor Dad to see how cars take money from us instead of bringing in some.
Celebrities are human- Mores African college celebrities who became celebrities by virtue of the having a car. That want friendship that are genuine. remember, stalking is not limited to Hollywood alone’ it takes a different form in Africa; unnecessary ass licking.
Just stop degrading yourself- [I am getting emotional now] You would be surprised how these people are just like us. If Jay Z, brad Pitt, Beyonce and Alecia Keys can still produce the same shit we produce when we sit on the lavatory despite their riches, what more of those individuals with whom we eat dodgy shit form the same cafeteria.?
And the reason why you are in college is to enable you to get your own car as well for your ten children if you choose to have ten. At the end of the day, who will have the status? You! Just wait a few years and maintain your dignity.
Acting needy is often regarded as staliking and obnoxious, two phenomena which pushes people away. Its of course natural to us humans to want to associate with successful people but some times acting ourselves will draw to us even the Warren Buffets and strive Masiyiwas without any effort at all.

It pities me how people will degrade themselves to the point of licking another human being’s ass especially just because that someone has a car. it just shows how we as Africans still have a long way to go before we undo our damaging past.. But hey who cares? I sometimes I wish I was in my friend’s shoes. Being the attention monger I am, the demon would have manifest itself without Chris Oyakhilome coming within a 1000 kilometres from me. Imagine the free meals and the lonely night with a girl stuck behind tinted windows. I am sure every straight guy would at every opportunity that would leave him in that situation. I am no exception

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